


Disclosure

by elaine



Category: due South
Genre: M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-04-10
Updated: 1999-04-10
Packaged: 2018-11-10 20:13:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11133927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elaine/pseuds/elaine
Summary: Ben is being transferred out of Chicago and Ray has something he needs to get off his chest.





	Disclosure

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

  
Disclosure

# Disclosure

Benny?... 

I suppose you're wondering why I'm here so early... 

...there's something I gotta tell you. Something important, and if I don't do it now, I'll never be able to do it at all. It's taken me all day just to get the nerve to come here... 

...I want you to know, I wasn't going to do this. I thought I'd go away for a couple of days till it was all over, but then I thought what've I got to lose? Nothing, that's what.. but I was gonna just call you, I didn't want to do this face to face. Then I realised that if I tried to do it over the phone you'd keep interrupting me and I'd never get it out. So here I am, and I've got... let's see... just over an hour to tell you and you can't say a damn thing till your shift ends... 

You know it's really only starting to sink in that you're leaving. Didn't take long, huh? Only a week. You should've told me sooner, so I could get the screaming and shouting over with before you left. It only hit me this morning... I woke up and I thought, today's the last day, tomorrow he'll be on the plane and I'll never have to listen to one of those damn Inuit stories again. And then I started to cry... I can still remember the last time I cried. I was seven. There was this big party and all us kids were running around being stupid and I fell over and skinned my knees. I went inside crying and my old man saw me... he'd been drinking, well he was always drinking... he shouted at me for acting like a baby, and he slapped me on the face so hard you could still see the mark two hours later. Everyone was staring at us... I thought they were staring at me, and I was so ashamed that I swore I'd never let myself cry again. Not even when Irene died, not when Ange and I got divorced, never. And there I am crying over those damned Inuit stories. And I hate those stories, Benny. I kept telling you I hated them, but you never believed me. ...So anyway, I guess I won't be coming to the airport tomorrow, it wouldn't be a good idea. I'd only embarrass us both if I lost it in front of everybody. I've gotta work with most of them after all... Oh, yeah! That's something I wanted to ask you... why the hell did you tell me like that, in the precinct with everyone there.. "Hello, Ray... Oh, by the way, I've been transferred back to the Territories, nice knowing you, Ray." Why'd you do it Benny? Are you tired of Chicago? Of me? Maybe you just didn't care how I felt. You sure didn't try very hard to stop that transfer. I could've helped you, I've got connections, I could've done something... at least I could've tried... 

That isn't what I came here to say... trouble is, I just don't know how to say it... 

Do you remember when we first met? Of course you do, you remember everything... I still can't believe the way you just walked in, some yutz from the North Pole, and took over my life. I didn't want to help you, I mean you were weird, really weird... asking for Detective Armani for God's sake, didn't you know anything then? And then you tell me you're looking for your father's murderer and stand there with that look on your face. The big eyed Mountie look... I never could resist it, even when I think you're putting it on... next thing I know I'm being blown up. And shot at by men in snow suits. I shoulda known then what it was going to be like, but I was actually glad when you came back to Chicago. I guess I really liked you right from the start, but I'm still not sure why... and how can I tell, now? You've changed everything... you've changed me... sometimes I hardly recognise myself anymore. 

I don't know why I put up with all the things you did to me, dragging me through sewers and dumpsters, and more crud than I ever knew existed in the whole of Chicago. It always stuck to me, never you. Never, ever you... that probably means something, don't you think? If you ever figure it out, write me a letter... And I lost track of the times you nearly got me killed. But when I was with you I always felt safe, like nothing really bad could happen to me when I was with you. The funny thing is, I always felt I had to protect you... not from being hurt, but from people. You always care too much about other people and half the time you'd be risking your neck for them and they wouldn't give a damn. Like when you saved that rat-trap apartment building of yours. Did any of the other tenants turn up? No, I had to pay people to come in off the street to listen to you. And it never bothered you, did it? But it bothered me... 

God, this is so hard... 

At first I thought you were crazy, the way you used to taste things and smell things... it was really gross. And you'd track people through Chicago like you were out in the backwoods. I'd never seen anything like that. But it worked, didn't it? (At least till Carver got to you. I couldn't help respecting the guy for that, though I would have killed him, if he'd really hurt you.) So I guess I started to believe you could do anything ...I should have believed you when you said Zuko didn't plant that bomb, I would have, if I hadn't felt so damn guilty about Louie. You never said anything later, but I know I must have hurt you, walking away from you in the squad room, with everyone staring at you, hating you for getting Zuko off the hook. I hated you too, then... I really wasn't thinking straight, but it's no excuse. I'll never forget the look on your face... and I never said I was sorry, but you still stood by me when Irene died. I was sorry, Benny, I still am, but you know that already, don't you? I know you don't like talking about feelings... well I don't either... anyway... I forgot what I was going to say... oh, yeah. That time when we arrested Tyree and you bailed him out... and you kept telling me he hadn't shot that kid, remember? We were in court and you were telling me about the sound of the gunfire... and I heard it, Benny, just like you said. It was one of the most important moments of my life. Does that sound crazy? But I felt so close to you just then. And I wanted to be close to you. I wanted it so much that sometimes it felt like I could talk to you, and you could hear me, even though you weren't there. That really is crazy, right? 

Maybe that's what's wrong with me, maybe I've gone crazy. God, I wish it was that easy... 

The thing is... the thing I came here to say is... 

...I love you, Benny... You probably don't understand what all the fuss is about. Would you say that you love me? As friend? If that was all, I wouldn't need to say anything... we never needed to talk about that, it was just there, at least, I thought it was. Now you're leaving, I'm not so sure ...It doesn't matter, anyway, because that's not what I mean. I love you... no, I'm in love with you. You know... touching... kissing... I want... I want... ...sex... ...everything... I want everything, Benny... 

...I don't know when it happened, when I started feeling this way... I can remember that time when we were locked in that freezer and you said we should conserve body heat by hugging each other. I wouldn't do it, remember? Just the thought of it scared the hell out of me. So I guess it must have started before then, but I didn't know until you told me about Frannie coming to your apartment. I know I acted kinda crazy then, you probably thought it was because I hadn't had any sleep... Have you got any idea how I felt? I find out I'm in love with a man, with my best friend, for God's sake! And he's been sleeping with my kid sister... it's like something out of a soap. At least it didn't take me long to figure out you hadn't been sleeping with Frannie. Just as well, or I might have really gone crazy. For a while I thought I might even have a chance with you. I mean, you didn't act like you knew what women were for, let alone that you knew what to do with them... until Victoria showed up. I knew she was trouble. You started to change when she was around, you weren't the same person. But, if she'd made you happy, I would have accepted that, even if it meant the end of our friendship... I told her if she hurt you, I'd kill her. I would have too... I really did think she had a gun, though. I was sure I saw her aiming at you. I had her right in my sights and then I suddenly thought, what will it do to Benny and me if I kill her? And I hesitated, just for a second. And I shot you instead... I still feel sick when I think about that. I always will. Even taking a bullet for you didn't change that. Besides, I'd rather have died than go through it all again. Three days, before they were sure you'd live. Then, when they decided to leave my bullet in your back... Anything would have been better than that. Anything. ...After that, I tried to put it all behind me, to forget how I felt about you. First I dated Louise, but it never went anywhere. I guess I wasn't really trying very hard. Until I saw Irene in that restaurant... That would have worked. She was the first girl I ever loved, and she was always special. Like you. Do you know how special you are? Of course you don't... that's part of it, I guess. Irene never knew, either. And then she was dead... I don't know how I would've got through that without you. You didn't say anything, but just having you there was all I needed. Listening to me talk about her. Just being there... After that, I was too numb to feel anything for a while, even for you. Next thing I know, you're falling for the Dragon Lady. You sure know how to pick 'em. I never did figure out what happened there, not a lot by the look of it... I can't say I'm sorry about that, even if I had given up any hope you might look at me... I was tempted though, when you lost your memory. You were so different then, and it almost seemed like you might be interested. But I couldn't do it... I don't know why. Probably because I knew it wouldn't last, that your memory would come back and you'd hate me for what I'd done... No. I guess I just couldn't betray you like that. It would have been a betrayal, wouldn't it, Benny? ...After that I knew I'd never say anything, I'd never dare take the risk. But now it doesn't matter, you're leaving and you don't even care, do you? Well, at least I told you... 

Don't worry though, I'm not going to make a scene... that's the last thing I want. No, I'll be outa here in a few minutes and you can think about it until your shift ends. Then you can go. Maybe you can think up an Inuit story to cover this, eh, Benny? But who're you gonna tell it to? 

...oh, shit... 

...I've gotta get out of here... 

*

### Next day.... 

#### At the Consulate..... 

Ben was on the proverbial mat. Very much in his Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP persona, he stood at attention while his superior dressed him down over his unprofessional behaviour, but occasionally a fatuous smile would stray onto his perfect features. Meg sighed. Her previously dutiful subordinate had left his post early yesterday, arrived late for work today and had been seen kissing a member of the public while in uniform. The fact that the member of the public in question was not one of her favourite people was beside the point. She allowed a sense of outrage to surface. He'd come to her three days ago, almost begging for help in stopping that transfer. She'd spent hours and hours, calling every contact she had, and no sooner had she told him of her success than he pulled this stunt on her. Now he had the gall to turn up looking ridiculously happy and as though he hadn't slept at all last night. Even worse, she had the impression that he wasn't listening to a word she said. 

"Dismissed, Constable!" 

"Thank you, Sir." He headed for the door, trying not to look like he was bolting. Just as he reached for the doorknob, she struck. 

"Oh, Fraser..." He turned obediently. "There's a hickey on your neck. Kindly ask Det. Vecchio to be more careful." 

His hand crept up to touch the mark that was not quite covered by the collar of his uniform. His face turned an interesting shade of scarlet. 

"Oh, dear... um, yes, Sir. I'll do that." The door closed behind him and Meg was finally able to succumb to the giggles that had been building for the last ten minutes. 

#### At the Precinct.... 

Huey and Elaine were watching Ray with the kind of fascination usually reserved for zoo animals. He'd arrived late for work, though that wasn't so unusual, but he didn't often look that tired or that happy. Especially at the same time. He was sitting at his desk now, but he hadn't done a thing for the last twenty minutes except stare into space with a remarkably silly smile on his face. 

"Oh, God, he's in love again. I wonder who she is." 

Elaine looked at Huey incredulously. Ray had been moping around all week because Fraser was leaving Chicago, and then this morning he'd come bouncing in wearing the same clothes he'd had on yesterday, waltzed her to his desk and announced that Fraser wasn't leaving after all. Then he'd sat down and, well... stared into space. She handed Huey the armful of files she'd looked out for him. 

"You're the detective, Jack. You figure it out." 

Huey stared after her in surprise as she walked away. 

#### At the apartment..... 

Dief lay in a patch of warm sunlight. On the floor. He lifted his head occasionally and stared mournfully at the bed. Although he had let his human sleep in it sometimes, he had always considered the bed wolf territory, but now his human and his mate had claimed it off him. Even though they had stripped the bed of its coverings that morning, their scent still haunted it. 

He'd known as soon as the small human brought him back here last night what had happened. But his human had sat down with him, taken his muzzle in his hand so that Dief knew it was serious, and started telling him all about it. _Please!_ Did they think he was sight and scent deprived as well as deaf? He'd listened politely of course, ignoring the wise cracks of his human's mate. He wasn't supposed to be able to hear them anyway and there was a limit to how far he could stretch that lip reading scam. 

Then they'd gone back to their mating, and after a few minutes he'd turned his back on them, since his staring appeared to be making them both uncomfortable. Humans had no social instincts at all. It was disgusting, how had they managed to survive as a species? 

Their reaction shouldn't surprise him, though, considering how long it had taken them to get this far. The first time he'd seen them together, he'd noticed that prickling of interest that happens when meeting a potential mate, and since he'd approved, he'd dropped a few hints which neither of them seemed to have noticed. He'd watched them go through the mating ritual, spending time together, scouting territory, the occasional touch, the way their voices would change when they were together. He'd sensed when the bond was complete, but then nothing had happened. He'd wondered about that for a while and then lost interest as the seasons passed. Now, it seemed, they didn't want to do anything but mate! He'd been lucky to be fed at all last night. 

He'd never understand humans. Never. 

#### About 2 weeks later in San Francisco.... 

"OK, where are we now?" The video was showing a series of generic high-rise buildings, it could have been anywhere. Then a building came into view. 

"Isn't that the car museum?" 

"Yeah... that means it must be... Chicago, wasn't it?" Cat calls from their friends were ignored while they conferred and decided that, yes, it was Chicago. They all stared at the antique cars appreciatively. Then the scene cut back to the street and a mint green '71 Buick Riviera. Moans of sheer envy were heard. 

"Oh, man. Look at that, will you..." 

"You mean the car, or the hunk in uniform?" Cushions were thrown. 

"The other guy's not bad either." 

"Yeah, but that uniform..." 

One of the hosts sat up suddenly. "Hey, isn't this that Mountie we saw, and the cop?" 

"Oh, yeah. Watch this guys, it's so sweet." 

The video abruptly focused on the two men. The one in the suit had turned away, headed for the Riviera. The Mountie suddenly broke from his place and followed him. 

"Are they allowed to do that?" 

"Shh!" 

The two men were standing facing each other in the middle of the sidewalk, oblivious to the passersby who had stopped to watch. The Mountie pulled off his Stetson and flung it back towards the building he was supposed to be guarding. Then he grabbed the other man's face between his hands and kissed him passionately. 

The room erupted into cheers and whistles. 


End file.
